September 2011
1 post
April 2011
1 post
November 2010
2 posts
June 2010
1 post
Watch
May 2010
1 post
“Five reasons men are scum and women let us get away with it. One: we only want...”
– From “Dead Like Me” I hate to admit that if more women accepted this, they wouldn’t hate men so much.
January 2010
2 posts
David Letterman →
Don’t Blame Conan. Team Coco.
October 2009
1 post
Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day
In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and 2 Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the...
June 2009
5 posts
Me: Of course he’s gonna cover his ass!!
Ben: Because he wants yours!
Clinton: You have to stop trying to compete with 25 year-olds. They always win.
Stacey: They always win. BITCHES!
[talking about a motor scooter]
Paul Sr: I’m talking about putting a rack up here.
Mikey: Can we put Afganistan up there instead?
Joel: Can I eat these hearts?
Jon: No, they’re paper hearts.
Joel: Can I try to eat them?
May 2009
2 posts
Person 1 - I’m pretty sure I can be pretty skanky, I just choose not to let it out.
Person 2 - I guess I’m just comfortable with my inner skank.
“She’s leaving!! And taking her hair with her!!”
April 2009
4 posts
Beckett: What do you got up your sleeves?
Castle: Aside from my muscular arms?
Kyle: You don’t want to help treat little kids with cancer?
Chase: No! That’s what that’s all about? I’m going to request my money gets spent on the Labrats.
“There is a fine line between genius and insanity, I have erased that line and...”
– Piece of Flair
March 2009
3 posts
Over Texting
K: I’m killing someone
R: I’ll help you hide the bodies
K: You’re such a good friend.
“I love to violate the book!”
– Dr Usher
February 2009
4 posts
Bones: He seems to think it’s some kind of male bonding.
Booth: Maybe it is.
Bones: You just told him that so you wouldn’t have to talk to him
Booth: Well that’s better than me *shooting* him!
Person 1: Are you drunk right now?
Person 2: It’s 10 AM!
Person 1: So? This class’ll do that to you.
Person 2: I’m an RA that was on the desk this morning!
Person 1: That never stopped me!
“I was totally happy for you and now you’re on crack…”
January 2009
8 posts
“i’ve chosen not to be an adult…that’s why i’m creepy”
somethingamazing:
I just want to sleep
“He means you need to ASSERT yourself, not EXERT yourself.”
“[The baby] is gonna be a boy…it’s always a boy! It’s gonna pee...”
person 1: I am not a piece of meat!
person 2: After so many drinks you are.
House: How many friends do you have?
PI: 17
“Don’t cross me or I will CUT YOUR HAIR”
McDonald's McDouble →
So I was wondering what happened to the double cheeseburgers at McDonalds and what the mess the McDouble was…I found out the only difference was a slice of cheese.
December 2008
8 posts
“My nose was just overflowing with awesome, and I had to get some of it out.”
– Barney
“Pee on your money!!”
– Mom, in reference to not getting my money stolen
“I think it would be nice to have a women president, don’t you? I mean,...”
– a female comedian from a really old standup show
“…and shacks with like two guys aOH MY GOD THAT’S A DEAD BEAVER!”
– Juliette
According to Kelley Blue Book
My van is worth $460.
Me: Am I scandalous?
Rachel: Not quite.
Me: Am I a nasty, trashy ho?
Rachel: Yes.
Me: YES!
“Like a noted Norwegian blue parrot?”
– Crossword clue…I love this skit
“Someone was like “Capital punishment is so expensive…” and I...”
– Matt
November 2008
7 posts
“I thought of it in the bounds of reality. And in reality, it’s a no go!...”
– Michael
“On a scale from 1 to awesome, you’re the shit!”
– Tim
First
I won the first ever Ebay auction I ever bid on. It was strangely really nice.
“…and I’m like quit your bitching, and you’re like shut the...”
– Tim
Seven Blunders of the World
1. Wealth without work.
2. Pleasure without conscience
3. Knowledge without character
4. Commerce without morality
5. Science without humanity
6. Politics without principles
7. Rights without responsibilities
Osama
So I saw this little kid dressed up as Osama Bin Laden this weekend. He walked up to me and screamed, “Shut up, infidel! I kill you!” I was a little disturbed…
The next morning I put a pitcher of water on his table for breakfast and he said, “I LOVE YOU!”
Little kids are confusing.